Mother as Gatekeeper to Conscience

With Mother’s Day still on your mind, let me dare to state the obvious: Children who have the good fortune to interact with their mothers a lot develop healthier consciences. There is even solid scientific research to support what most people have long sensed on this point.

The human conscience is part of the likeness to God that is built into us by our Creator. It is the internal monitor for behavior. It approves or disapproves our actions, gives us assurance to proceed or warns us about dangers ahead. But a person's conscience is like a thermostat. Someone has to set it.

In a study done a decade ago now, toddlers were encouraged to imitate their mothers in such simple actions as playing tea party or tending to a stuffed animal. The researchers indexed the children in terms of their readiness to imitate what they observed. Then, in subsequent sessions, they evaluated those same young children as they were enticed with prizes for games they could win only by cheating or breaking an object that had some value to them.

Here is how the correlation worked: Toddlers who eagerly imitated their mothers were more likely to follow the rules and more likely to exhibit a sense of guilt when they broke something.

I'm not a psychologist, so I can't offer any meaningful analysis of the experiment or how it was conducted. I'm just an ordinary guy who remembers his mother's influence in his life. I have watched my own children interact with their mother. And I have cringed at some of the undisciplined behavior I have seen in kids who seem to feel no guilt or remorse for irresponsible things they do.

The furor over “attachment parenting” explored in this week’s Time magazine article largely misses the point. It isn’t how long a child is breast-fed or put in a sling versus a bouncy seat; it is consistent and nurturing relationships with parents that create security and emotional health.

Maybe the fact that I didn't want my fourth-grade teacher, Mrs. Whaley, to tell my mother about the words she heard me using on the playground that day is evidence to support what the psychologists have since measured. Maybe all of us who had mothers who invested energy in our moral and spiritual development have thought at times, "I hope my mom never finds out about this!" They forced us to think about our behavior until we internalized some values of our own.

If you are wrestling with a tough ethical dilemma, it might help you to think about your mother for a few minutes – even though Mother’s Day has passed.

            “My child, listen when your father corrects you. Don’t neglect your mother’s instruction” (Proverbs 1:8 NLT).

Better to Ask than Assume

The late Bill Love used to tell the story of a psychiatrist, engineer, and doctor who got lost in the Canadian woods. Stumbling on a trapper’s cabin but getting no response at the door, they went inside for shelter and waited for his return.

In the corner, on a crude platform at waist-high level, was a wood-burning stove. It quickly became not only the focus of interest for their half-frozen bodies but the center of their conversation as well.

The psychiatrist explained the stove’s unusual position as evidence of psychological problems brought on by isolation. The engineer, on the other hand, saw it as an ingenious form of forced-air heating. The physician surmised the poor fellow had arthritis and found it too painful to bend over to fuel his stove.

When the trapper finally arrived, they could not resist asking about the stove whose warmth had saved them. “Simple,” he said. “My stove pipe was too short.”

I wasn’t along for that hunting trip, but I’ve been where those guys were that day. I’ve tried to read someone’s mind. I’ve seen motives that weren’t there. I’ve walked into situations, caught a snippet of what was happening, and made a fool of myself by some badly chosen response. Or I’ve used a perfectly innocent slip of the tongue as my excuse to take offense. I can be a real jerk at times!

On occasion, the victim has been a stranger. At other times, it was a friend from church or colleague at work. Most often, it has been my wife or child.

Communication is a wonderful thing – when it happens. But there are so many barriers. Each of us brings baggage to every situation. Words can be vague or carry very different nuances for people from different backgrounds. Then there are the prejudices and blind spots all of us have.

Lots of confusion could be eliminated and far more progress made this week by following this simple rule: When something isn’t clear, ask. Don’t assume. Don’t guess. Don’t mind-read. Trying swallowing your pride and saying, “I’m not sure I understand. Do you mind explaining that to me?”

This simple strategy could save you embarrassment, time, and money. More important still, it might save one of your life’s most important relationships.

The Value of a Good Laugh

  You know it’s going to be a bad day when . . .

·      Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.

·      You sink your teeth into a juicy steak – and they stay there.

·      You plop down in a rocking chair and can’t make it go.

·      You routinely dim your lights for economics rather than romance.

Does your image of a holy person include a smiling face and laughter? Or is a saint someone with a stern face? Did you ever notice how often the Psalms exhort us to “rejoice in the Lord”? And this is from the Bible: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength” (Proverbs 17:22).

God must have a sense of humor. Did you ever see a giraffe, anteater, or duck-billed platypus? And what about the zebra? Now there’s a good case for God’s willingness to do something just for the fun of it.

One of the most refreshing things in human experience is a belly laugh. Nothing relieves stress so quickly and completely as laughter. If you have children or grandchildren, I guarantee that fifteen minutes in the floor with them tonight will do more to invigorate you from the day’s tensions than whining or having a stiff drink. If you don’t have children, just act silly with someone you care about for a quarter hour. It’ll do you so much good that you’ll make it a habit.

I once heard a fellow lament that most of the Christians he knew had faces as long as mules and looked like they had just bitten into green persimmons. Oh, I hope not! What a poor recommendation of faith to unbelievers. What a terrible misrepresentation of the God who, we say, gives meaning to our lives. Without joy, what is the meaning?

There’s a serious side to humor, all right. What you laugh at tells a lot about your character and self-image. But laughter itself shouldn’t be suspect as a waste of time or a distraction. God shines through when people laugh.

So lighten up. Devote some energy this week to learning to laugh at your life’s comedic twists and turns. After all, you’re not getting out of it alive anyway!

Easter: Light for the Dark Places

 

When I was about ten years old, my mother and father took me to Carlsbad Caverns. I still remember the gigantic stalagmites and stalactites. I can almost feel the cold of being deep inside the earth on a hot summer day in New Mexico. But my most vivid memory is of the moment when our guide had all of us find a place to sit down and – after warning of what was about to happen – turned off all the lights that had been put inside the dark belly of the earth.

I felt like I was tumbling in space. My heart raced. With one hand I grasped the rock ledge on which I was sitting and with the other reached for my dad.

Fortunately, the tour guide didn't allow it to last long. He turned on his flashlight. And it looked as bright as a million candle-power searchlight!

An ordinary flashlight that costs $3.95, complete with batteries, can push back the overwhelming, frightening darkness of the Carlsbad Caverns. A beam that would be hardly noticeable at ground level on a sunny day looked like a laser in deep darkness. As soon as it appeared, my stomach gave up its tumbling sensation. My lunch became stable again.

I could see my parents’ faces in outline again and knew I wasn't alone. I sensed that the single light in our guide's hand heralded the return of the lights which had guided us previously and whose presence we had taken for granted.

When God created Planet Earth to be our home, he came onto a scene that was formless and dark. He pushed back the darkness with light, then set about to bring order to chaos. It takes light for life to survive and thrive.

When Jesus was re-creating the human race and restoring hope to despairing people, he came onto a scene made formless and dark again. This darkness had come by human rebellion against his holy will and humanity's inhumanity to its own. In his birth, teaching, lifestyle, and personal victory over death on Easter morning, he pushed back the darkness with the light of heaven's bright glory. To use John's language, Jesus was the light shining into our darkness; the darkness could not conquer the light he brought.

If you are feeling the head-over-heels sensation that comes of being in the deep darkness, look in his direction. Jesus is still the Light of the World. And it is only in the presence of light that you can live, grow, and flourish.

“I am the light of the world,” he said. “If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life” (John 8:12 NLT).

Dinner at the Agape Restaurant

              A fascinating and thoughtful article in the Wall Street Journal (Feb 18, 2012) laments the “loss of a sense of community” in our culture. I call it fascinating for the simple reason that its author acknowledges that its loss is traceable directly to “the privatization of religious belief that occurred in Europe and the U.S. in the 19^th century” – when faith was booted off the town square of public, communal truth and relegated to the ghetto of private, non-falsifiable personal opinion.

            Alain de Botton, author of the article in question, is an atheist who wants to find a way to recover the spirit of community in a secular world. The one thing he will not suggest is a return to a personal God, authoritative Scripture, or objective behavioral standards. He suggests a path to building a superstructure for community without bothering with the foundation of faith.

            The article is titled “Religion for Everyone” and seems to be a sincere lament over the loneliness that radical individualism has created; when each of us is an island of her own wants, fears, and self-defined values, heady isolation quickly becomes cold seclusion from others – all of whom struggle with their own wants, fears, and self-created values that are in conflict with those of others.

            De Botton has the dual goal of moving people from personal selfishness to harmony and from despair to hope. So he suggests an Agape Restaurant where people could read and reflect on the Book of Agape. (No, I’m not making this up!) All genders, ethnicities, and customary distinctions would sit together; there would be a spirit of acceptance leading to friendship. Readings would allow people to explore all degrees of alienation and pain, fear and regret. The result of an evening there would be compassion, forgiveness, and unity.

            The de Botton agenda intrigues me. Invites me. Encourages me. And I wish our human failure across the centuries had not left him so disillusioned with faith that he cannot see that his quest is doomed to failure. (There’s certainly a lesson here for those of us who love the church to get our act together!)

            No less than Thomas Jefferson produced an edition of the New Testament that omitted the supernatural in order to leave only the moral teachings of Jesus unfettered by faith; but the authority to teach as he did derives from his incomparable divine nature put on exhibit in his occasional miraculous actions. Similarly, our quest for community begins with a common confession of need (sinfulness) and the unity created by receiving and sharing the healing (forgiveness) God offers in Agape Restaurants (churches) that are open to the ultimate Book of Agape (the Bible) that tells a story of Good News worth sharing.

            One follow-up letter to the Journal summed up my view of the article pretty well: “Certainly seems like a lot of trouble just to avoid going to church.”

Before You Can Launch

            Merle Jordan writes about standing on the edge of the ocean and watching a young man and an older man row a small boat out to a larger one that was anchored at some distance from the shore. The older man climbed aboard, went to the wheel of the large boat, and brought its engine to life.

            It was the young sailor’s job to hoist the anchor. Struggling with the heavy, dead weight was no easy thing for him. But it was clear the boat was not about to move forward on its charted course until the anchor had been hauled aboard.

            Jordan uses that episode as a metaphor for his book Reclaiming Your Story. He writes: “We are all anchored in the personal histories we inherit from a family of origin. . . . Our maps of reality; images of God; values, beliefs, and meaning systems; patterns of relating, communicating, and interacting; sense of identity and self-worth; and emotional awareness and means of expression are largely determined by our relationships and experiences in our families of origin.”

            Haven’t you seen that play out in the life of someone you know? An abused child never learns to trust as an adult. Boys molested by men are often aggressive as an antidote to feeling weak or afraid. Traumatized kids frequently overreact to upsetting things with rage and horror. People who grow up with alcohol, violence, or abandonment issues even tend to choose mates and business partners who have the same traits. After all, they can relate to them.

            The Christian faith is about transformation. “If anyone is in Christ,” said Paul, “he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).

            But some people never experience the new life Christ has made possible for them. And often it isn’t their fault. They don’t realize they are repeating history from their families of origin or their early life experiences. No one has helped them fathom that those early experiences have them stuck in emotional cement.

            If you have children, it is important that you look for and interrupt any unhealthy patterns in your family history. You don’t want to pass them on to future generations. Your leadership in business, community, or church will be enhanced through an awareness of how those dynamics work. You can become the catalyst for helping others find emotional and spiritual health.

            We sometimes need others’ help to pull up our anchors to the past in order to move forward on the journey God has in mind for us. Be brave. Cut loose from the dead weight. There is an expansive ocean out there for you to sail and enjoy.

           

Too Soon to Give Up

            She wanted to talk with me about her son. It wasn’t that he is a “bad” boy or has had any serious problems, she said. But she was worried about the fact that he isn’t particularly interested in the youth group at their church and – beyond being with the family at Sunday worship times – seems pretty distant to faith.

            I know something about parental anxiety over a child. That’s why God gave children parents, right? To worry about them? To wring our hands over them?

            In all seriousness, there would be something wrong with a mother or father who is a Christian who didn’t notice or care about what was bothering that woman. All of us who are believers think about such things. We pray for our offspring and want them to share what we think is so vital to a meaningful life.

            At the same time, children are children. They are often interested in nothing beyond the immediate. They have games and music and sports. Then they have girlfriends and braces and pimples. Then come algebra and cars and girls. Oh, and did I mention girls? (Or, if it is a daughter, boys and boyfriends?)

            Then there is the constant issue of being puzzled about life. An adolescent doesn’t know what to think about lots of things – including his or her parents. There may be issues of anger with siblings. Maybe she just can’t understand being expected to measure up to an older sister who she believes is prettier or smarter. He resents being identified with what his family takes for granted. All of us want to be given space to work out some things for ourselves.

            Often the best any of us can do is worry. And pray. Then worry and pray some more. It is fairly certain that the worst thing any of us can do is to try to force things to the conclusion she wants. Children, friends, employees, neighbors – all of them have this scary thing called freedom. And freedom is a double-edged sword that has the possibility to accept or to reject.

            So I encouraged her simply to continue loving, believing in, and praying for her son. That all she had invested in him would have a good outcome. That she would be proud of him one day for who he would become. And I made the point more than once that she should not give up on her best dreams for him.

            After all, do you remember that Jesus had blood relatives who didn’t know what to make of him? That his brothers – James, Joses, Jude, and Simon – kept their distance from him during his preaching and healing ministry? Thought that he was weird for doing what he was doing – if not altogether out of his mind?

            We don’t know how all Jesus’ siblings turned out. But at least two of his brothers, James and Jude, became believers and wrote epistles bearing their names that we preserve in the New Testament. The most famous of them became a “pillar of the church” at Jerusalem before all was said and done.

            Faith sometimes takes time. Don’t give up on any of the people you love.